Fawn Weaver, author of a fabulous new book, Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, also says,
What you and I consider happiness may vary greatly. But what we have in common is we know what happiness means to us...it is possible to define our own marital [relationship] destiny...You have the power and the right to make your marriage beautiful...(p. 252)These words had a profound affect on me. They are found at the end of Weaver's book in a chapter called, "A Special Note to Newlyweds." I was curious about what advice she might have for those who recently married...something I might have missed early on in my own fairly new relationship with my husband. It turns out, it was nothing I did not already know and I was oddly comforted.
Why did I start this thread? Because I want you three to feel good about the people you are engaging with. Sure, the underlying intention is for you to experience the joy you and your ultimate partner can create together, but I believe what I will be writing about in this thread can have a profound affect on other intimate relationships, too--maybe with your friends; maybe with your parents or partner's parents...You can find happiness in your relationships if you choose to seek it. You can choose to create relations that are mutually satisfying.
Think about someone you are close to. How would you speak of him or her if s/he were sitting right in front of you? Would you focus on the not-so-special qualities, his or her imperfections? One of Weaver's interviewees, Faye, nearly found herself on the brink of divorce after being caught in an adulterous relationship. She said,
Negative thoughts...I never should have allowed those negative thoughts to grow. They run through our mind all day. Weird thoughts. Uncharacteristic thoughts. Thoughts I am ashamed of repeating...The key is never allowing them to stay. You can't control them running through your mind, but you can control how much you feed them (p. 31).Another one of Weaver's interviewees said something similar: "'You can either feed negative thoughts or you can starve the suckers'" (p. 31). Grateful for her husband's forgiveness, Faye began to look for the "goodness in the things that once drove her crazy" and "everything that had once bothered her about [her husband] no longer mattered" (p. 32).
Consider this: No one is perfect, but is the person you are thinking about just the one you need? Does s/he back your every dream, love your every flaw, see your relationship as a story unfolding, make personal sacrifices so you can take risks? Do you put each other above every other relationship you have? Sandy (still another interviewee) and her husband "didn't allow the outside world, even tough things happening at work or with other family to impact what went on between [them]" (p. 16). This is excellent advice! If your special someone IS just the person you need (never mind what others say), only "pick on things that really matter" (p. 38). Another of Weaver's interviewees, Bonnie, said she would tell herself to "shut up unless it matters (p. 38). I like this. I also like the idea of saying "shut up" to the negative thoughts. Starve the suckers! Focus on your special someone's strengths.
A happy relationship is a choice!
Love,
~Mama
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