Jay ~ on your wedding day...

My baby girl...it's your wedding day! It simply cannot be. You are lying in my arms, a freshly bathed babe with soft pink skin and wide, wide wise eyes; an old soul with so many lessons about love, compassion, and heart to teach me.

My baby girl...it's your wedding day, but here you are smiling up at me with your glistening, golden angel hair, your eyes so very blue, and your smile so very sweet. You asking me if I like your dress and if I think you look pretty...and you are wearing your sister's Ariel sneakers. 

My baby girl...it's your wedding day! How can it be? You are reading a story to your little brother who is wearing nothing but a diaper. His chubby hand holds one side of the book and your hand the other. You're cuddling with him in the brown recliner, Rosie's head on your knee. Your words speak love to Dom and he is enamored.

My baby girl...it can't be your wedding day. You're having sleepovers with your girlfriends, laughing, eating me out of house and home, making plans for the next school dance...sneaking unapproved garments to school, experimenting with cigarettes, catching the boys' eyes. You're playing field hockey. You're asking for help with your homework. You're watching The Tenth Kingdom and Anne of Green Gables with me and your siblings for the umpteenth time.

My baby girl...can this really be your wedding day? The day you've dreamed of for so long? Are you really marrying the man who stole your heart--the same heart that once belonged to me...to your dad? I wish I could turn the clock back...have my little girl back. I'd live each day much, much more slowly...savor every, EVERY moment more deeply. Hug you many, MANY more times. Kiss your cheeks more and MORE. Read to you...walk with you...hold your hand...chat...laugh...cry...reminisce...I'd do it again and again, but better.

Your a woman now, a beautiful, kind, generous, passionate, loving, genuine woman...my daughter. It IS your wedding day and you ARE marrying the man who rightfully captured your heart. I am so, SO very happy for you, Julianna...my Yay-Yay. I look forward to the next stage of your life..not my little girl, and yet yes, still my little girl. I am over-the-moon proud of you. I love you more than you can ever imagine. I'm your biggest fan...I hope you know I am...

https://youtu.be/clcNB_EUao8

Love,

~Mama

Peanut Butter and Raspberry Memory

Aly,

For some reason (probably because there was nothing better in the house to "cheat" with) I made a peanut butter and raspberry jam sandwich for lunch yesterday. Upon the first bite, I was transported back in time to the day of your birth.

Look how young I looked (and how happy)!

Labor began in the morning and steadily moved  along. Your father recorded the frequency of my contractions. They weren't so bad; in fact, I got hungry and slapped some peanut butter and raspberry jam atop two slices of bread and devoured them in between contractions. All was well until, shortly before you were born, those two open-faced goodies decided they wanted to make an exit...into the nearest trash can. Ugh! I've not been a PB 'n' J fan since. No wonder why I remembered the day you made us a family. :/

I remember the sound of you smacking on your little hand like it was yesterday!

Love,
~Mama                                                                                                                        

Forever Friends

There is nothing like having a friend you can call a forever-friend...someone you love like a brother or a sister. Peggy McAllister is my forever-friend. We met before you were born, Aly, during an exercise class for prego women. Peggy and I shared an instantaneous connection, something I cannot explain, as she (admirably) was a "jock"--very athletic, and I was more a cheerleader-type. Funny, there were probably about 20 women in our class and she was the one I was drawn to. I loved her instantly.

Peggy, me, and Lisa
New Hampshire, 1989

We also formed a friendship with Lisa, and the three of us chummed around together frequently, both in and out of prego exercise class.

Peggy, little Kyle, and me

Peggy already had a son, Kyle, who was not quite two; therefore, she was full of wisdom. I loved watching her with Kyle. She was calm and loving, quick to laugh, quick to teach, and quick to compliment. She made me feel confident about the adventure I was about to embark on; heck, she made me feel confident about the journey I was on. Most of all, she loved being a mom, and she loved being pregnant, just as I did. 

It's pretty special being able to share your pregnancy with special ladies! Lisa was due at the end of June/the first part of July, but she went early with Michael. I was due the first part of July and gave birth to you, Aly, on July 6th. Peg came to visit me in the hospital and, unbeknownst to her, she was in labor, even though she was not due for a a week or two. She gave birth to Brett the day after you were born, Aly, on July 7th. 

Lisa and Michael, Peg and Brett, me and Aly, 1990

After you babies were born, we mommies and you babies got together pretty often to play. The pictures above and to the right depict one such play date on a beautiful spring day in Dover, NH. You three really enjoyed each others' company and, I have to say, the days when all of us would meet were some of my happiest.

Today, I met my forever-friend, Peg, after not seeing her since August of 1990. That is when Pease Air Force Base (AFB) closed down and your dad left to find us a home in Sumter, South Carolina, home of Shaw AFB. We, and Jay, who was "baking in the oven," would meet him in October. Seeing Peggy today was one of the most wonderful moments of my life. Imagine losing someone so important to you and being reunited after years of wondering if that could even be possible. We met at Olive Garden in Biddeford, Maine. On first sight of her I wanted to bawl, just bawl, but I did not want to waste time crying! I wanted to stare at her and listen to her voice. The sight and sound of her brought me back 23 years, and it was if all time melted away. The Olive Garden was not scheduled to open until 11:30, so we climbed into the back of her van. She showed me Christmas ornaments I'd forgotten I'd sent to her in 1991. I remembered she sent us Petite Fours  at Christmas for years. She patiently listened as I told her how your dad and I broke up, and asked me a million questions about you, Aly, and you, Jay, and you, Dom. I listened excitedly as she shared with me all the successes Kyle and Brett have earned, and I reveled in the pride obvious in her voice and in her expressions. My heart welled as she described what a wonderful husband and father Bruce has been for 27 years. We laughed at the many memories we packed into our short visit....like yours,  Brett's, and Michael's first birthday party, Al, with all the moms and babies from our prego exercise class. (I think we had to put a couple of babies, including you, into the bathtub! From the blue on your face, I think you fearlessly dug into your cake! I remember Brett gingerly poking the very tip of his finger into his cake and Kyle howling with laughter...it's on video tape somewhere...precious!)

Exercise class moms and their babies celebrate Brett, Michael's and Aly's first birthday!

We barely had time to devour lunch and never even got to the scrapbooks we brought to share with each other. We have 24 years to catch up on! I can't wait for you, Aly, to meet Kyle and Brett again! I can't wait to capture your beautiful mugs in a photo!! Here's to a lifetime of friendship, Peg! I love you!

1990...but many more years ahead!

~Mama

Baton Twirling

When I was about 10 I twirled baton! There I was, in ribboned pig tails and a short, bright skirt, Bobbi socks and bleach-white Keds, grinning ear to ear while marching along in formation with my twirl mates in a local parade. Occasionally our troop would stop and perform a short, well-rehearsed choreographed piece for the crowd: figure eights and horizontals, long arm and double wrist rolls, under the leg tosses, spins and catches. The crowd would gasp and applaud each time we caught our batons in sync (well, sort of), and flinch and duck at flying-out-of-control metal sticks.

I ponder...how many little girls learned to twirl the baton? I remember a classmate of mine in high school, Kim, who was an outstanding Majorette. She lived across the street from me and practiced frequently in her driveway. She was graceful, yet powerful and performed with such surety. Her costumes were so beautiful on her petite frame as she adorned our football field during halftime. I often wished my mom had kept me in the sport because I would have liked to twirl with Kim.  Instead, I was a cheerleader, which was really was the sport I grew to love.

There were times I thought about getting you, Aly and Jay, into twirling, but it just wasn't offered at any of the bases we lived at and I never maintained the skill I had when I was so young to teach you myself. Maybe you will encourage your daughters to try it out and make their grandma proud one day.(?) :)

Love,
~Mama

Julianna Turns 20

(Sigh) In less than two hours, my sweet little Blondie turns 20. Where did the time go? She is all grown up now; a working woman, loving being a CNA. I'll bet the residents she cares for adore her. She drips sweetness. Even when she has her mad face on, her sweetness seeps through her frown. It's like how honey, when spread on warm toast, oozes over the sides of the crust. You can't help but swipe your finger through its yummy thickness so as not to miss a drop. You simply cannot resist Jay's warmth--her love; you just have to hug her so as not to miss out on any of it.

I was truly blessed the day Jay arrived. She lit up the room. She was the hope our military family needed in a troubled time, our country having been at war with Iraq. She made all our worries dissipate and her presence completed our little family of three. My two hands suddenly had two little hands--Aly's and then Jay's--to grasp (not that little-miss-sociable, little-miss-"what's over there?" ever wanted to hold my hand for long). She stole our hearts immediately.

You have my heart, birthday girl. Thank you for 20 years of love and laughter and for those sticky-sweet hugs that I just can't seem to get enough of! You are a true blessing to all whose presence you grace.

Love,
~Mama

To Julianna on her 19th Birthday

The sweetest, tubbiest little thing...short and small, at 7.5 pounds and 20 inches long. Cute as a button with a little old man hair line. I fell in love with you immediately...immediately!

I remember being in my room after giving birth to you and hearing your cry from the nursery. I already knew your cry, Jay, so I knew to go to you. I remember being so excited for you to come, but I was not on bit nervous about your arrival. I already knew you and so awaited your arrival with a great deal of confidence and joyful anticipation.

On the day of your birth day, I awoke early in the morning to labor pains. I let your father sleep while I ironed my clothes for the trip to the hospital. When the pain become a bit more severe I woke him up, but oddly enough the labor pains stopped abruptly. After a longish nap on the couch, I decided to take warm bath. I had been soaking a while when your father brought me a cold glass of water. As I set it on the edge of the bathtub, simultaneously with the sound of the glass hitting the porcelain, I felt you move in time with a dull pop! Perplexed, I stood up, drained the water out of the tub, and began to dry off. I noticed my legs continued to be wet even after toweling off a couple of times--my water had broken enough for it to trickle. At that precise moment, I felt the first real pain of your labor. At the time I write this, Jay, 19 years ago I was in labor with you! 2 hours and 19 minutes later, your beautiful little face looked into mine. Your father was so happy he cried. We captured it all on tape--even your dad cutting your umbilical cord.

From that moment, Julianna, the world has been a better place. Your smile lights up every room, your hugs radiate warmth and peace, your spirit is gentle, compassionate, and yet strong and determined. You are everything I knew you would be and yet so much more. I am one proud mother who looks forward the mark you will make on this world.

Happy Birthday, Little One!

I love you,
~Mama

Baby scent

Thinking about three truly amazing moments in my life which were in one way--and only one way--the same...Your HERE-I-FINALLY-AM-WORLD!-entrances-into-this-life-moments. Our moments; each of yours, mine, your father's.

Your scent; your one-of-a-kind scent, that was somehow each of yours and yet all of yours--ours. Earthy, spicy, organic, sweet, yet pungent. It was only detectable upon our first meeting...the first time the nurse laid you in my arms. It saturated your skin. It was throughout your hair. It was a delicious smell, yet if I smelled it now, years after the miraculous moment, I would wrinkle my nose and turn away. Somehow it was inviting and welcome on you those first few minutes after your birth. Aly, it was in you, on you, that I first detected it. I couldn't wait to smell you, Jay, to see if you would wear the fragrance as well. It was. You did. Dom, I knew it would envelope you as well, and I savored it.

I have absolutely no idea what brought this memory on...I think it is time to shift from memories of me to memories of you for a while.

Loving you each moment,
~Mama