Take Time to Connect

One of the things I love about my husband is he takes the time in the morning, no matter how late he is running, to make a connection with me before he leaves for work.  I might be sleeping, but I know he is there.  I can feel his lips on my cheek.  I can hear his sweet-nothings.  His loving connection carries me through the day.

I've come to realize just how important is to make daily connections with our significant others.

• Connection keeps the good thoughts in and the unhealthy thoughts out.  Fawn Weaver, author of The Happy Wives Club (2014), writes, "A connection every day is important for a number of reasons (p. 49). For one, it starves negative thoughts of infidelity.  Let's face it, when one remarries after experiencing the pain of having a spouse cheat on him or her, naturally certain events can trigger suspicion. Weaver says, "Connection starves suspicion" (p. 49).  I'll never forget a dumb disagreement Mike and I had that resulted in me not talking to him for days (childish of me, yes, I know).  He tried so hard to make a connection with me every day, but I was not having it. Some days later,  before retiring for the night, he turned to me and very sadly asked if there might be someone else.  I was completely taken aback how my lack of time and attention negatively affected him.  It was then I realized a simple connection can make a loved one feel secure in spite of  past hurt.
• Connection, "over time, it allows us...to see past our spouses' imperfections" (p. 49). I know how imperfect I am, but Mike makes me feel perfect by looking for opportunities to connect daily.  Mike is not perfect, but I've got to say, he is perfect in every moment we stand in front of the sink, him washing and me drying, after the evening meal.  He is perfect every time he asks, "What's on the agenda this weekend?" because he is genuinely interested in ensuring we will have time to connect when we are done with work.
• Connection allows a couple to "debrief the day, share about the day to come, and talk about the bigger pieces of life" (p. 49).  For Mike and I it's a time to reflect on what has happened and a time to dream about what will be.  When I look back at our nearly four years of marriage, I see just where all those evening discussions--those planning sessions--have led us.  I can surely see where we are going, too.
• Most importantly, connection is a time to celebrate what makes a couple a couple.  Weaver's favorite acronym is AEOD:  Accept Each Other's Differences.  She believes that "accepting each other's differences is one of the main things that set apart the happy couples from those who are floating unhappily through their marriages, or settling for 'good enough' (p. 50).  Connecting frequently keeps the real stuff in perspective.  In many ways, Mike and I are so different, but in many ways we are so compatible--and in the most important ways:  "beliefs, values, respect, and love toward each other.  In the places where we will never quite line up, we need to AEOD" (p. 50).

If you want to truly show your significant other your love, give him or her your time.  Set aside time daily to make a connection with him or her.  It might simply be holding each other's hand while watching your favorite movie--no words at all.  It might be raking the yard together.  It might be enjoying a meal across the table from each other.  It might simply be a short exchange while falling asleep in each other's arms.  Time measured in minutes is not important.  Time measured in presence, however, is a gift your lover will always treasure, always appreciate.  A connection is, perhaps, the greatest gift you will ever give or receive.

Love, 

~Mama

Choose Happiness

"Choose happiness, my friend, every day. Choose your spouse every day. And make the choice to create the life--and marriage--of your dreams" (Weaver, 2014, p. 253).

Fawn Weaver, author of a fabulous new book, Happy Wives Club: One Woman's Worldwide Search for the Secrets of a Great Marriage, also says,

What you and I consider happiness may vary greatly. But what we have in common is we know what happiness means to us...it is possible to define our own marital [relationship] destiny...You have the power and the right to make your marriage beautiful...(p. 252)

These words had a profound affect on me. They are found at the end of Weaver's book in a chapter called, "A Special Note to Newlyweds." I was curious about what advice she might have for those who recently married...something I might have missed early on in my own fairly new relationship with my husband. It turns out, it was nothing I did not already know and I was oddly comforted.

Why did I start this thread? Because I want you three to feel good about the people you are engaging with. Sure, the underlying intention is for you to experience the joy you and your ultimate partner can create together, but I believe what I will be writing about in this thread can have a profound affect on other intimate relationships, too--maybe with your friends; maybe with your parents or partner's parents...You can find happiness in your relationships if you choose to seek it. You can choose to create relations that are mutually satisfying.

Think about someone you are close to. How would you speak of him or her if s/he were sitting right in front of you? Would you focus on the not-so-special qualities, his or her imperfections? One of Weaver's interviewees, Faye, nearly found herself on the brink of divorce after being caught in an adulterous relationship. She said,

Negative thoughts...I never should have allowed those negative thoughts to grow. They run through our mind all day. Weird thoughts. Uncharacteristic thoughts. Thoughts I am ashamed of repeating...The key is never allowing them to stay. You can't control them running through your mind, but you can control how much you feed them (p. 31). 

Another one of Weaver's interviewees said something similar: "'You can either feed negative thoughts or you can starve the suckers'" (p. 31). Grateful for her husband's forgiveness, Faye began to look for the "goodness in the things that once drove her crazy" and "everything that had once bothered her about [her husband] no longer mattered" (p. 32).

Consider this:  No one is perfect, but is the person you are thinking about just the one you need? Does s/he  back your every dream, love your every flaw, see your relationship as a story unfolding, make personal sacrifices so you can take risks? Do you put each other above every other relationship you have? Sandy (still another interviewee) and her husband "didn't allow the outside world, even tough things happening at work or with other family to impact what went on between [them]" (p. 16). This is excellent advice! If your special someone IS just the person you need (never mind what others say), only "pick on things that really matter" (p. 38). Another of Weaver's interviewees, Bonnie, said she would tell herself to "shut up unless it matters (p. 38). I like this. I also like the idea of saying "shut up" to the negative thoughts. Starve the suckers! Focus on your special someone's strengths.

A happy relationship is a choice!

Love,
~Mama